Oh Shenandoah

When I think about my mother, I always remember this song.

A year ago today she died. I would like to write about her and myself a little. I am not good at writing, but I will try anyway.

My mom and dad divorced when I was a baby. I know nothing about dad except his name. I was raised by the single hand of mom. I was her only child and she was my only family.

After graduated high school, she wanted me to go to music school. She liked classical music. I wanted to go to university (whatever they teach) before start thinking about actual, serious career. Eventually I chose music school and learned to become a music teacher.

Despite graduating from music school, I found that I didn’t want to be a music teacher. I was more interested in being an engineer. Mom didn’t agree with that. Maybe I made her disappoint. Anyway I started working as a mechanical engineer. But our mom-daughter relationship was not going well since then.

Two years ago, a warm day in May, I received a postcard. It was from mom. It said that cancer came back to her again and her doctor wanted to talk to me. I remember my feet trembling the first time I visited the doctor’s office.

After that visit, mom and I started texting each other. About weather, physical condition, job, paintings she has drawn. Nothing special. I still keep these texts in my cell phone, locked, so that no one can accidentally delete.

Everyday I think about mom and her dedicated life. Did cancer torment her? Was she happy as my mother? The answer does not seem to be found.

Mom
I am sorry for not being a good daughter.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.